Today...well it was supposed to be a day of happiness. It should have been the day that we celebrated our marriage. The day when we reminded ourselves of the reasons that we got married and the things that we want to do with the rest of our lives. If the surgery had worked, I would be pregnant and we would be anxiously awaiting the arrival of our bundle of joy. The ladybugs would swarm the carport again, we would take the girls out trick or treating...I might have even dressed my pregnant belly up as a pumpkin.
Reality is much different. I did take the girls trick or treating and I did see a ladybug, but nothing was the way I planned. Alone...thats what I was today. Sure the girls were here and that is probably what kept me from breaking down and reliving the way that I felt back in April. The pain is no longer about wanting him back its not about needing him here with me and its not about feeling all the things that I lost because I dont have him. It is about my own personal failure.
My roommate was talking the other day about some pain that he is feeling and something struck home for me so I am going to phrase what he said in the way that applies to me. I am 28 with 2 kids and 3 exhusbands. I am damaged goods...who is going to want that. I have learned a lot about what I am worth and what kind of person I want...every date that I go on shows me something else that I want or dont want but the question is will I ever find that person.
I am completely happy alone, but I am not an alone person. This is just amplified by all the other mistakes that I have made which cost me my best friend and another friend in the process. I know that as things go on my life will continue to improve...I just wish I could fast forward to that point.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
He got the last of his stuff today...at least the last as far as I know. He gave me the separation papers signed. I have to run them by my lawyer then I am going to file them with the court. He is supposed to be getting my pictures off of his computer so that I dont lose 3 years worth of pictures just because I was nice and let him keep the computer I bought.
He went out of his way to be cold and harsh towards me when he came to get his things today and that really bothered me. I havent done anything intentionally mean to him in all this. This has all been what he wanted and I have worked to make sure it happens LIKE HE WANTED. So why am I the one acting like an adult and making sure that things get taken care of? I should be the one being mean and harsh because I am the one that got hurt in all this. I am not the one that had a girlfriend before I moved out of the house. I am not the one that made the choice. I am the one who was caught completely blindsided a month and a half ago. I am the one who knows I am not ready to think about dating someone else right now.
My children dont ask about him and I dont know if that is because they dont miss him (which I doubt) or because they think it hurts me (this is more likely). I kind of wish that they would talk to me about what they are thinking because at least then I wouldnt feel so alone in all this. Dont get me wrong...Im not along I have great friends. My family is as supportive as they can be for where they are located, but the nights alone at the house are still hard.
I am not supposed to be spending my nights alone. I am supposed to be going to Casey's post-op appointment to see how things are functioning. I am supposed to be gearing up to TTC again. I am supposed to be planning a summer with my husband.
I think these things and then stuff like today happens or every day that he doesnt make an effort to even be in his step-daughters' lives and I am reminded that on March 30 he did me a favor. He gave me my life back that day. He took me out from under his cloud and and the cloak I have been under for most of 3 years and showed me life again. He has done more for me by demanding this divorce than he did for me while we were together and for that I thank him...and will continue to thank him for the rest of my life.
He went out of his way to be cold and harsh towards me when he came to get his things today and that really bothered me. I havent done anything intentionally mean to him in all this. This has all been what he wanted and I have worked to make sure it happens LIKE HE WANTED. So why am I the one acting like an adult and making sure that things get taken care of? I should be the one being mean and harsh because I am the one that got hurt in all this. I am not the one that had a girlfriend before I moved out of the house. I am not the one that made the choice. I am the one who was caught completely blindsided a month and a half ago. I am the one who knows I am not ready to think about dating someone else right now.
My children dont ask about him and I dont know if that is because they dont miss him (which I doubt) or because they think it hurts me (this is more likely). I kind of wish that they would talk to me about what they are thinking because at least then I wouldnt feel so alone in all this. Dont get me wrong...Im not along I have great friends. My family is as supportive as they can be for where they are located, but the nights alone at the house are still hard.
I am not supposed to be spending my nights alone. I am supposed to be going to Casey's post-op appointment to see how things are functioning. I am supposed to be gearing up to TTC again. I am supposed to be planning a summer with my husband.
I think these things and then stuff like today happens or every day that he doesnt make an effort to even be in his step-daughters' lives and I am reminded that on March 30 he did me a favor. He gave me my life back that day. He took me out from under his cloud and and the cloak I have been under for most of 3 years and showed me life again. He has done more for me by demanding this divorce than he did for me while we were together and for that I thank him...and will continue to thank him for the rest of my life.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Attempt 2 at this post...another step to a new me
April 28th at 10 pm is a point when my life once again changed.
In 14 days I will turn 28 so lets rewind 12 years ago. There are alot of things that teenagers hide from their parents. I hid smoking. I had it easier than alot of teenagers because my mom had lost her sense of smell when I was 14. I didnt have to explain the smell to her because as far as she knew it wasnt there. I always told her that the cigarettes were my friend's and that they got put in my purse on accident. When my stepdad smelled cigarettes in the van, my stepbrother was blamed, not me. I think they just assumed at that point that my stepbrother had caused enough trouble that it had to be him and it couldnt possibly be me.
I did quit a few times before, but never was I willing to admit that I had smoked to the poeple that didnt know. I guess by not admitting it then it never really existed and I was free to go back to smoking whenever I felt too weak to keep it up. That is one of the promises that I did break to their father, I did smoke pregnant. I believe that I smoked while my youngest was breastfeeding, but I honestly cant remember that. I know that I never ever allowed anyone to smoke in my house. I didnt want the smell there because that was just one more thing that might tell people I smoked and then they would know. I flipped out one time in 2005 because I had been out of town and a friend had stayed at my house to take care of my fish. I came back to smoke smell in the house and a burnt spot on my living room rug where someone had dropped a cigarette. I threw the rug out and had her buy me a new one. I couldnt stand the idea that someone might see that rug and think that the burnt spot was from my cigarette.
It was weird because when I was around people who smoked I didnt mind them knowing, but as soon as I was around my friends who didnt smoke I didnt want them to see that I was a smoker. I guess that is part of the weakness, that I always wanted to fit in with the group I was around.
Honestly I smoke because it is the easy thing. Casey smoked. Before that, Brian smoked. Beth smokes. Kendall smokes. Tommy smokes. Pool just seems like a game you are supposed to smoke while you play. But why is it easy. I hide it from so many people I am around. Most of the people that I went to school with at UNCG to this day have no clue that I was a smoker the whole time I went there. I wouldnt smoke between classes I would wait until I was in my car. I wouldnt smoke if we went out somewhere because I just didnt want them to know and I didnt want them to think badly of me. The main reason I smoked was because I didnt think I was strong enough to quit. But after everything I have survived in the last month, I am strong enough and I will beat yet one more unhealthy addiction.
So with that said april 28 2009 at about 10pm I smoke a cigarette. This one wasnt like the others. This was the last cigarette in the last pack from my last carton. I am quitting. It hasnt been easy at all. In fact it has been downright hard in the evenings when I take Hamilton out or in the mornings when I am driving to school. I dont need the cigarettes anymore and honestly if I can survive the last month then I can survive anything that I chose to do to myself.
Antigone recommended that I get an exercise routine so I went today and bought Jillian's 30 day shred. Some ladies from the TTC board that I am on were planning on starting it together and I am going to join them. There are great people checking on my progress every day and that is what I need right now. Antigone has emailed me a couple of times in the last two days asking how things are going and then checking later to make sure that whatever temptation I mentioned to her didnt get the best of me. Rob has asked how thing go. Tommy has listened as I tell him the things that are hard, its a little different with him because he still smokes and the other two have quit tobacco already.
I know that my mom is going to have alot of questions and going to want to be "momish" but mom...just dont. There is a reason this is on here and when I am ready to talk to you about this then I will.
In 14 days I will turn 28 so lets rewind 12 years ago. There are alot of things that teenagers hide from their parents. I hid smoking. I had it easier than alot of teenagers because my mom had lost her sense of smell when I was 14. I didnt have to explain the smell to her because as far as she knew it wasnt there. I always told her that the cigarettes were my friend's and that they got put in my purse on accident. When my stepdad smelled cigarettes in the van, my stepbrother was blamed, not me. I think they just assumed at that point that my stepbrother had caused enough trouble that it had to be him and it couldnt possibly be me.
I did quit a few times before, but never was I willing to admit that I had smoked to the poeple that didnt know. I guess by not admitting it then it never really existed and I was free to go back to smoking whenever I felt too weak to keep it up. That is one of the promises that I did break to their father, I did smoke pregnant. I believe that I smoked while my youngest was breastfeeding, but I honestly cant remember that. I know that I never ever allowed anyone to smoke in my house. I didnt want the smell there because that was just one more thing that might tell people I smoked and then they would know. I flipped out one time in 2005 because I had been out of town and a friend had stayed at my house to take care of my fish. I came back to smoke smell in the house and a burnt spot on my living room rug where someone had dropped a cigarette. I threw the rug out and had her buy me a new one. I couldnt stand the idea that someone might see that rug and think that the burnt spot was from my cigarette.
It was weird because when I was around people who smoked I didnt mind them knowing, but as soon as I was around my friends who didnt smoke I didnt want them to see that I was a smoker. I guess that is part of the weakness, that I always wanted to fit in with the group I was around.
Honestly I smoke because it is the easy thing. Casey smoked. Before that, Brian smoked. Beth smokes. Kendall smokes. Tommy smokes. Pool just seems like a game you are supposed to smoke while you play. But why is it easy. I hide it from so many people I am around. Most of the people that I went to school with at UNCG to this day have no clue that I was a smoker the whole time I went there. I wouldnt smoke between classes I would wait until I was in my car. I wouldnt smoke if we went out somewhere because I just didnt want them to know and I didnt want them to think badly of me. The main reason I smoked was because I didnt think I was strong enough to quit. But after everything I have survived in the last month, I am strong enough and I will beat yet one more unhealthy addiction.
So with that said april 28 2009 at about 10pm I smoke a cigarette. This one wasnt like the others. This was the last cigarette in the last pack from my last carton. I am quitting. It hasnt been easy at all. In fact it has been downright hard in the evenings when I take Hamilton out or in the mornings when I am driving to school. I dont need the cigarettes anymore and honestly if I can survive the last month then I can survive anything that I chose to do to myself.
Antigone recommended that I get an exercise routine so I went today and bought Jillian's 30 day shred. Some ladies from the TTC board that I am on were planning on starting it together and I am going to join them. There are great people checking on my progress every day and that is what I need right now. Antigone has emailed me a couple of times in the last two days asking how things are going and then checking later to make sure that whatever temptation I mentioned to her didnt get the best of me. Rob has asked how thing go. Tommy has listened as I tell him the things that are hard, its a little different with him because he still smokes and the other two have quit tobacco already.
I know that my mom is going to have alot of questions and going to want to be "momish" but mom...just dont. There is a reason this is on here and when I am ready to talk to you about this then I will.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
The most recent rock in the road
The worst thing this month was REALIZING when I ovulated. I broke down in tears because this isnt how it is supposed to be...we are supposed to be recovering from his surgery. We are supposed to be getting the all clear soon to go back to trying to get pregnant. We are supposed to be scheduling follow up visits and another semen analysis so that we can see what good the surgery did...
Im not supposed to be alone.
Im not supposed to be alone.
Medicine
When someone has something like major surgery, they are put to sleep for the worst part and then they are given meds. There's no sleep or meds to help my pain.
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