Attempt 2 at this post...another step to a new me

April 28th at 10 pm is a point when my life once again changed.

In 14 days I will turn 28 so lets rewind 12 years ago. There are alot of things that teenagers hide from their parents. I hid smoking. I had it easier than alot of teenagers because my mom had lost her sense of smell when I was 14. I didnt have to explain the smell to her because as far as she knew it wasnt there. I always told her that the cigarettes were my friend's and that they got put in my purse on accident. When my stepdad smelled cigarettes in the van, my stepbrother was blamed, not me. I think they just assumed at that point that my stepbrother had caused enough trouble that it had to be him and it couldnt possibly be me.

I did quit a few times before, but never was I willing to admit that I had smoked to the poeple that didnt know. I guess by not admitting it then it never really existed and I was free to go back to smoking whenever I felt too weak to keep it up. That is one of the promises that I did break to their father, I did smoke pregnant. I believe that I smoked while my youngest was breastfeeding, but I honestly cant remember that. I know that I never ever allowed anyone to smoke in my house. I didnt want the smell there because that was just one more thing that might tell people I smoked and then they would know. I flipped out one time in 2005 because I had been out of town and a friend had stayed at my house to take care of my fish. I came back to smoke smell in the house and a burnt spot on my living room rug where someone had dropped a cigarette. I threw the rug out and had her buy me a new one. I couldnt stand the idea that someone might see that rug and think that the burnt spot was from my cigarette.

It was weird because when I was around people who smoked I didnt mind them knowing, but as soon as I was around my friends who didnt smoke I didnt want them to see that I was a smoker. I guess that is part of the weakness, that I always wanted to fit in with the group I was around.

Honestly I smoke because it is the easy thing. Casey smoked. Before that, Brian smoked. Beth smokes. Kendall smokes. Tommy smokes. Pool just seems like a game you are supposed to smoke while you play. But why is it easy. I hide it from so many people I am around. Most of the people that I went to school with at UNCG to this day have no clue that I was a smoker the whole time I went there. I wouldnt smoke between classes I would wait until I was in my car. I wouldnt smoke if we went out somewhere because I just didnt want them to know and I didnt want them to think badly of me. The main reason I smoked was because I didnt think I was strong enough to quit. But after everything I have survived in the last month, I am strong enough and I will beat yet one more unhealthy addiction.

So with that said april 28 2009 at about 10pm I smoke a cigarette. This one wasnt like the others. This was the last cigarette in the last pack from my last carton. I am quitting. It hasnt been easy at all. In fact it has been downright hard in the evenings when I take Hamilton out or in the mornings when I am driving to school. I dont need the cigarettes anymore and honestly if I can survive the last month then I can survive anything that I chose to do to myself.

Antigone recommended that I get an exercise routine so I went today and bought Jillian's 30 day shred. Some ladies from the TTC board that I am on were planning on starting it together and I am going to join them. There are great people checking on my progress every day and that is what I need right now. Antigone has emailed me a couple of times in the last two days asking how things are going and then checking later to make sure that whatever temptation I mentioned to her didnt get the best of me. Rob has asked how thing go. Tommy has listened as I tell him the things that are hard, its a little different with him because he still smokes and the other two have quit tobacco already.

I know that my mom is going to have alot of questions and going to want to be "momish" but mom...just dont. There is a reason this is on here and when I am ready to talk to you about this then I will.