Today...well it was supposed to be a day of happiness. It should have been the day that we celebrated our marriage. The day when we reminded ourselves of the reasons that we got married and the things that we want to do with the rest of our lives. If the surgery had worked, I would be pregnant and we would be anxiously awaiting the arrival of our bundle of joy. The ladybugs would swarm the carport again, we would take the girls out trick or treating...I might have even dressed my pregnant belly up as a pumpkin.
Reality is much different. I did take the girls trick or treating and I did see a ladybug, but nothing was the way I planned. Alone...thats what I was today. Sure the girls were here and that is probably what kept me from breaking down and reliving the way that I felt back in April. The pain is no longer about wanting him back its not about needing him here with me and its not about feeling all the things that I lost because I dont have him. It is about my own personal failure.
My roommate was talking the other day about some pain that he is feeling and something struck home for me so I am going to phrase what he said in the way that applies to me. I am 28 with 2 kids and 3 exhusbands. I am damaged goods...who is going to want that. I have learned a lot about what I am worth and what kind of person I want...every date that I go on shows me something else that I want or dont want but the question is will I ever find that person.
I am completely happy alone, but I am not an alone person. This is just amplified by all the other mistakes that I have made which cost me my best friend and another friend in the process. I know that as things go on my life will continue to improve...I just wish I could fast forward to that point.
Going on Now
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About Me
- Nicole
- Well, let's see. My name is Nicole and I live in Whitsett, NC. I have two daughters, Kirsten and Caitlyn.
I am a fairly happy go lucky sort of person. Both of my children were born rather early in my life and I have learned alot since then.
I graduated with my undergraduate degree in mathematics in May 2005.
Who would have ever thought it, I have a college degree. My first real job was teaching high school in Davidson county. I absolutely love teaching. While I was in my first semester of teaching, I received an offer from UNCG where they were going to pay for me to get my Master's degree in mathematics.
In August of 2006 I went back to school and started working towards my Master's degree. I was a graduate assistant for the math department of UNCG. I graduated in May 2008 after writing a thesis on the Reconstruction Conjecture.
Now that I have graduated, I have returned to teaching. I have recently started teaching at James B Dudley High School and I am finally back in the job that I LOVE!
2 comments:
It would have been a day of happiness if you weren't such a psycho. You were the one that refused to get counseling until after you assaulted Casey and left scars on his back that are still there six months later. You are right about one thing, you are most certainly damaged. Maybe you should start living in reality, the reality where you've screwed up and pushed people out of your life. No one I've ever met that knows you has anything nice to say about you. You treat people like crap, you talk down to everyone (including your girls) and you just expect that people are going to just take it. Maybe that's why you have 3 ex-husbands and daughters that you LOST custody of. Do the world a favor and grow the hell up. The world is not out to get you, you bring on every bit of pain that you experience. It's called karma and what you put out always comes back to you. Maybe you should take a good look in the mirror and realize that you got yourself to where you are now and you should stop blaming everyone else for the mistakes you've made. The three ex-husbands that you try to blame for everything have all moved on and are happy with their lives. You're the only one stuck living in the past. You're right, you are 28 with 2 kids and 3 ex-husbands and any man in his right mind would run screaming from you in the opposite direction. Focus on your girls, they should be what's important in your life, not trying to find hubby number 4 because let's face it, he wont last long either!!
Very well said!!! Too bad she will never acknowledge any of this! She will continue to be self destructive and to bring down the people around her! Anyone who really knows her (outside of the web where she puts up an Oh so good FRONT) knows she is not who she claims to be....Inevitably she is a sorry excuse as a mother first and foremost,wife, women, friend, and all around human being!
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