Kirsten, Caitlyn, and me

The pain goes on...

2009-11-01T07:23:00.001-05:00

Today...well it was supposed to be a day of happiness. It should have been the day that we celebrated our marriage. The day when we reminded ourselves of the reasons that we got married and the things that we want to do with the rest of our lives. If the surgery had worked, I would be pregnant and we would be anxiously awaiting the arrival of our bundle of joy. The ladybugs would swarm the carport again, we would take the girls out trick or treating...I might have even dressed my pregnant belly up as a pumpkin.

Reality is much different. I did take the girls trick or treating and I did see a ladybug, but nothing was the way I planned. Alone...thats what I was today. Sure the girls were here and that is probably what kept me from breaking down and reliving the way that I felt back in April. The pain is no longer about wanting him back its not about needing him here with me and its not about feeling all the things that I lost because I dont have him. It is about my own personal failure.

My roommate was talking the other day about some pain that he is feeling and something struck home for me so I am going to phrase what he said in the way that applies to me. I am 28 with 2 kids and 3 exhusbands. I am damaged goods...who is going to want that. I have learned a lot about what I am worth and what kind of person I want...every date that I go on shows me something else that I want or dont want but the question is will I ever find that person.

I am completely happy alone, but I am not an alone person. This is just amplified by all the other mistakes that I have made which cost me my best friend and another friend in the process. I know that as things go on my life will continue to improve...I just wish I could fast forward to that point.

2009-05-16T17:17:00.002-04:00

He got the last of his stuff today...at least the last as far as I know. He gave me the separation papers signed. I have to run them by my lawyer then I am going to file them with the court. He is supposed to be getting my pictures off of his computer so that I dont lose 3 years worth of pictures just because I was nice and let him keep the computer I bought.

He went out of his way to be cold and harsh towards me when he came to get his things today and that really bothered me. I havent done anything intentionally mean to him in all this. This has all been what he wanted and I have worked to make sure it happens LIKE HE WANTED. So why am I the one acting like an adult and making sure that things get taken care of? I should be the one being mean and harsh because I am the one that got hurt in all this. I am not the one that had a girlfriend before I moved out of the house. I am not the one that made the choice. I am the one who was caught completely blindsided a month and a half ago. I am the one who knows I am not ready to think about dating someone else right now.

My children dont ask about him and I dont know if that is because they dont miss him (which I doubt) or because they think it hurts me (this is more likely). I kind of wish that they would talk to me about what they are thinking because at least then I wouldnt feel so alone in all this. Dont get me wrong...Im not along I have great friends. My family is as supportive as they can be for where they are located, but the nights alone at the house are still hard.

I am not supposed to be spending my nights alone. I am supposed to be going to Casey's post-op appointment to see how things are functioning. I am supposed to be gearing up to TTC again. I am supposed to be planning a summer with my husband.

I think these things and then stuff like today happens or every day that he doesnt make an effort to even be in his step-daughters' lives and I am reminded that on March 30 he did me a favor. He gave me my life back that day. He took me out from under his cloud and and the cloak I have been under for most of 3 years and showed me life again. He has done more for me by demanding this divorce than he did for me while we were together and for that I thank him...and will continue to thank him for the rest of my life.

2009-05-07T08:47:00.002-04:00

Day 10...Only one set back. I was with some friends and took one drag of a cigarette on Saturday but that is it...and it wasnt that appealing then.

It would be very easy to pick them back up and start again, but I dont want to be that person.

Attempt 2 at this post...another step to a new me

2009-04-30T13:51:00.003-04:00

April 28th at 10 pm is a point when my life once again changed.

In 14 days I will turn 28 so lets rewind 12 years ago. There are alot of things that teenagers hide from their parents. I hid smoking. I had it easier than alot of teenagers because my mom had lost her sense of smell when I was 14. I didnt have to explain the smell to her because as far as she knew it wasnt there. I always told her that the cigarettes were my friend's and that they got put in my purse on accident. When my stepdad smelled cigarettes in the van, my stepbrother was blamed, not me. I think they just assumed at that point that my stepbrother had caused enough trouble that it had to be him and it couldnt possibly be me.

I did quit a few times before, but never was I willing to admit that I had smoked to the poeple that didnt know. I guess by not admitting it then it never really existed and I was free to go back to smoking whenever I felt too weak to keep it up. That is one of the promises that I did break to their father, I did smoke pregnant. I believe that I smoked while my youngest was breastfeeding, but I honestly cant remember that. I know that I never ever allowed anyone to smoke in my house. I didnt want the smell there because that was just one more thing that might tell people I smoked and then they would know. I flipped out one time in 2005 because I had been out of town and a friend had stayed at my house to take care of my fish. I came back to smoke smell in the house and a burnt spot on my living room rug where someone had dropped a cigarette. I threw the rug out and had her buy me a new one. I couldnt stand the idea that someone might see that rug and think that the burnt spot was from my cigarette.

It was weird because when I was around people who smoked I didnt mind them knowing, but as soon as I was around my friends who didnt smoke I didnt want them to see that I was a smoker. I guess that is part of the weakness, that I always wanted to fit in with the group I was around.

Honestly I smoke because it is the easy thing. Casey smoked. Before that, Brian smoked. Beth smokes. Kendall smokes. Tommy smokes. Pool just seems like a game you are supposed to smoke while you play. But why is it easy. I hide it from so many people I am around. Most of the people that I went to school with at UNCG to this day have no clue that I was a smoker the whole time I went there. I wouldnt smoke between classes I would wait until I was in my car. I wouldnt smoke if we went out somewhere because I just didnt want them to know and I didnt want them to think badly of me. The main reason I smoked was because I didnt think I was strong enough to quit. But after everything I have survived in the last month, I am strong enough and I will beat yet one more unhealthy addiction.

So with that said april 28 2009 at about 10pm I smoke a cigarette. This one wasnt like the others. This was the last cigarette in the last pack from my last carton. I am quitting. It hasnt been easy at all. In fact it has been downright hard in the evenings when I take Hamilton out or in the mornings when I am driving to school. I dont need the cigarettes anymore and honestly if I can survive the last month then I can survive anything that I chose to do to myself.

Antigone recommended that I get an exercise routine so I went today and bought Jillian's 30 day shred. Some ladies from the TTC board that I am on were planning on starting it together and I am going to join them. There are great people checking on my progress every day and that is what I need right now. Antigone has emailed me a couple of times in the last two days asking how things are going and then checking later to make sure that whatever temptation I mentioned to her didnt get the best of me. Rob has asked how thing go. Tommy has listened as I tell him the things that are hard, its a little different with him because he still smokes and the other two have quit tobacco already.

I know that my mom is going to have alot of questions and going to want to be "momish" but mom...just dont. There is a reason this is on here and when I am ready to talk to you about this then I will.

2009-04-28T19:52:00.001-04:00

I think I want to try out for jeopardy. What should I study?

The most recent rock in the road

2009-04-23T16:46:00.000-04:00

The worst thing this month was REALIZING when I ovulated. I broke down in tears because this isnt how it is supposed to be...we are supposed to be recovering from his surgery. We are supposed to be getting the all clear soon to go back to trying to get pregnant. We are supposed to be scheduling follow up visits and another semen analysis so that we can see what good the surgery did...

Im not supposed to be alone.

Medicine

2009-04-23T15:57:00.002-04:00

When someone has something like major surgery, they are put to sleep for the worst part and then they are given meds. There's no sleep or meds to help my pain.

The Big News

2009-04-21T11:26:00.003-04:00

On 3-15-09 there was a post talking about big news coming soon. I realized that the next post after that said that Casey demanded a divorce. The big news was a pregnancy that miscarried about 5 days later and so it turned out not to be big news. I was getting to the point of being able to talk about it when my life was completely turned upside down.

Settling down

2009-04-21T10:52:00.003-04:00

This weekend I moved. I am set up in my new apartment and have already met one person who lives in the complex. Sunday I finished getting everything moved in and then went to Buster's that night because they have free pool on Sundays. Last night there was rough. Even with Hamilton, the house is so quiet and its hard to be there alone. It will get easier...I just know it has to. Tonight the goal is to get the living room done. I am going to have to have a friend come over...I have no motivation when I am there alone because I just want to sit down and cry. Beth and Kendall were there Sunday afternoon/evening and we got alot done because every time I wanted to sit down they were asking what I wanted to move next. They also are very helpful because they will make suggestions. Beth really undestands what it is like to look at things and know that they are just not where they go.

He called me Sunday night. Complaining because I took too many of the little trashcans. I just want him out of my life...he needs to grow up and realize what he has done and then accept responsibility for it.....

The world will not end

2009-04-15T17:23:00.002-04:00

He told me some things yesterday that hurt so much and made me want out of here that much faster at the same time. We were playing a game with my daughters and went outside for a moment. While there he told me he had been lying to me and that he had been hanging out with that girl more because she is the only friend he has put here. We moved an hour away from where he has always lived because of my children and wanting to be close to their family. He also said that he wanted me to know the truth because it had finally been put to him so that he understood that the truth hurts less than lies. He said he didn't want me to accuse him of anything so I just asked him If he had an affair. He said he didn't because he had me and that was enough. I wanted to scream and tell when he said that because really who just leaves the person that is enough. I thought for a moment about that reaction. That was the old me (before my world was turned upside down) reacting. The new me simply said "obviously I wasn't enough" and the topic changed to letting him understand that it still is so hard not to think he is cheating when he sleeps at her house more than he sleeps here.

I am still working on getting out of this house. I need the healing that you have assured me will come. It might even make it where I am strong enough to take the wedding band off. He won't take his off because he says he only wore it because it was important to me. He said for him it was just an excuse to get a ring he liked. He has moved it to his right hand and even with my engraving "all my love forever Nicole" I know it will stay there.

I go back to my therapist today and have to sort through the worst reaction from a person I told yet. I told the girls aunt when I was asking her to watch them for a few appointments this week and all she said was that having a husband is overrated. I can understand that reaction If I had told her that I didn't know If I would ever meet someone again, but I was telling her how my husband threw me out of his life like yesterday's trash. I wasn't prepared for the reaction and it caught me very odd guard. I guess now I know to be prepared for all different reactions...

what is today

2009-04-12T20:00:00.003-04:00

I keep being lost in an illusion that if I were to do things the way that they have been then eventually he will remember why he married me in the first place. He says that it was a mistake and that he never should have married me. He brings up what do we have in common and what is there that we ever really should have been together. One thing that I have always done when I didnt know what else to do was clean the house. I osscilate from one moment just wanting everything to be ok to the next moment wanting to be out already so that I can heal.

I picked up the girls today and as soon as they were in the car all I wanted to do was crawl in bed with them, hold them and cry. They are my strength and I dont know that they will ever know how much they do for me just by being them. I honestly can say that I dont know what I would be doing right now if I didnt have them. I dont know if I would be the strong person that I can at least pretend to be if they werent depending on me every day. I hope one day I am able to tell them exactly what they really mean to me....and I hope that they believe me.

The end begins

2009-04-12T18:12:00.001-04:00

Two weeks ago Casey told me that he was done with the marriage....

Today

2009-03-15T20:47:00.001-04:00

There is big news coming soon...

stay tuned

2009-02-09T18:59:00.003-05:00

This Saturday the local YMCA had a father/daughter valentines dance. I figured that this is a great way for Casey and his new stepdaughters to bond. They went, I did their hair and all in all they had a blast! I have shared some pictures taken before they left for dinner. I will be editing the pictures later and hopefully replacing them with the edited version which will be much better (after I learn how to use these actions I got from Pioneer Woman).

Numb

2009-02-09T18:49:00.005-05:00

A friend of mine is pregnant after much trying and a stillbirth. She had an ultrasounds today and it revealed that her baby has an encephalocele on the back of its head. She had said that she was trying to find something positive in the prognosis and I said that I would help her. I cant bring myself to talk to her about the things that I have found because none of them are good.

An encephalocele is a bulge of the brain caused by the neural tube failing to close during the first few weeks of development in the uterus. In general the babies that have these may or may not survive depending on the location and size of the encephalocele. Only about 21% of babies that have his diagnosed will survive to delivery. The most sobering statistic is that only 55% of babies that have one of these on the back of their head survive. Of the babies that survive, about 75% of the babies have some form of mental deficit. This means that her baby has a 97% chance of having something wrong or dying from this condition and only a 3% chance of being completely normal.

My friend is devistated over the news that there is something wrong with her baby since she is only 20 weeks pregnant. Then to hear these kinds of things would just break her. I am going to keep searching...there has to be good news....

Coming Soon

2009-02-09T06:42:00.001-05:00

As soon as i find my camera cable there will be a great post about the things we did this past weekend! (Complete with pictures for Maureen)

The Shrinking List

2009-01-22T18:34:00.002-05:00

So I totally suck at taking pictures of everything that I do. However, things on my 99 in 2009 list are slowly going away.

Last night Casey and I made pancakes, sausage, eggs and bacon. This was dinner and this successfully crossed #76 off of my list.

Earlier this week I had several ripe bananas on my counter and decided to make banana bread. This was also something on my list (though not quite the type of bread I meant, it is bread), #77. Thats the second thing this week and the third thing so far that has been crossed off the list.

After the banana bread I was bored and when I get bored, I make things. This lead to a discussion with Davorin about the list that I have and some of the things that are on it. We then decided (well he decided and I made) that I needed to go ahead and make the homemade chicken salad. He did happen to end the day slightly jealous because he likes chicken salad and I live about 30 minutes away from him so he didnt have any.

Anyways, I am making decent progress towards marking everything off of the list this year. The books and reading stuff is going to have to wait until I am done with the class that I am in because I am constantly reading in this class. We have a textbook (that I am dreading buying because its like $150), supplementary readings, extra resources and then powerpoints and java presentations and podcasts to watch. Needless to say since I cant follow too many things at once and I want to do well in the class, I am not going to start anything that cant be started and finished in a short time until it is all over.

I almost took the bubble bath with candles until I realized just how bad our well is. We have to get a new well drilled soon (anyone want to donate to the Nicole needs a new well cause?) and until then the bath may be one of the things that doesnt get done unless I do when we are away on vacation somewhere.

My cake

2009-01-18T00:17:00.001-05:00

It was eaten before I had a chance to take pictures of it, but last weekend Caitlyn and I made an oreos and cream cake from scratch. It was delicious and it is the first thing that I get to mark off of my 99 in 2009.

1 down 98 to go....

Toothache

2009-01-10T21:07:00.002-05:00

I was eating some cheese this afternoon (yes I know I said cheese and that is going to seem unbelievable with what I am about to tell you) and suddenly I bit down and it HURTTTTTTT. I dont know what it did and what happened but my tooth is still throbbing. Thank goodness I still had some pain medicine left from my ankle but it is barely touching the pain in my tooth. I am going to have to go to the dentist next week and I hate the dentist. I am very very close to taking a shot of liquor, letting Casey put the girls to bed, and passing out in the bed so that at least then I dont hurt. The last time it hurt this bad Misty and John took me to the ER because of a bad abcess in my tooth and since I didnt have the girls I was managing the pain with vicodin I was prescribed and shots of Jager to enhance the effects of the vicodin.

Restructuring

2009-01-07T20:40:00.004-05:00

Restructuring my class has always been a goal of mine. I know that there are things in my class that havent worked from the first day of the class. I know that there are multiple students who are performing well below their potential just because I havent found what speaks to them. My students have 7 days until their EOC and I just have to find a way to speak to them. I need a way to let them know that they really do know this stuff and that they really can do well on their EOC. So then Ms Carney and I came up with this plan of the small groups to use in the classroom and the students who may respond better to hearing the same stuff from a new mouth.

Today was amazing...just AMAZING. Almost every student in the whole classroom was engaged (something that I havent seen in a few months). Also they were actually getting it. I think that the activity that I picked for them today was the perfect thing for them to work on because it was something that they learned really well the first time around so it only took a little reminding to get them right back in the swing of what they were doing. I cant wait to see what the next 7 days bring for them and then even more to see what they can really do on the EOC. I really just want to be blown away and I know that they have the ability to do that.

The last 89 days have taught me even more about the things that I have going on in my classroom. I cannot WAIT to put them to use in the next semester. I think that will give me a shot at showing what I can really do.

11 days until a new start and the revalation of everything they are capable of.

Might as well

2009-01-06T22:32:00.008-05:00

I saw this on a blog that I found following a link on another blog (wow I can see a patern emerging here). Anyways I have edited it to fit me(somewhat, some of her things were just really good or were things I wouldnt think about on my own) and am excited to see where it gets me. I hope that I can work this year on making a new list for me fo 2010 and that this time it will be almost completely me. I am sure that some of the things on this years list will lead to other things I want to do next year.

Stay tuned...

My 99 things to do in 2009.

1- Learn to knit
2- Paint the living room
3- Volunteer for a worthy cause
4- Sing karaoke
5- See a play or ballet performance
6- Spend a whole (non-sick) day lounging in bed with movies, books, etc.
7- Make homemade soup
8- Do my WII fit every day for a month
9- Take a bath by candlelight
10- Go to an opera
11- Try a new game
12- Read The Last Lecture
13- Let each of my children plan everything for a day
14- Take a walk at a park I have never visited before
15- Read The Audacity of Hope by Barak Obama
16- Take Hamilton to doggie training
17- Cook Sesame Chicken
18- Read the entire Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe series
19- Visit a state I have never been to, and not just a drive-through. States I have been to.
20- Visit a country I have never been to. Countries I have been to.
21- ~~Make a homemade Chicken Salad Sandwich~~
22- Throw a party
23- Learn to surf
24- Go on trip with just me and Casey
25- Take a dance lesson
26- Try Thai food
27- Go to an arts and crafts fair
28- Learn to play a new instrument
29- Go skydiving
30- Go to a concert
31- Play minature golf
32- Ride a bike path
33- Go horseback riding
34- Finish the wedding scrapbook
35- Read the Eragon series
36- Read The Lucky One
37- Read Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult
38- Read The Tale of Desperaux by Kate Dicamillo
39- Read A Million Little Pieces by James Frey
40- Read The First Hour I Believed by Wally Lamb
41- Read Pride and Prejudice
42- Read Marked by PC Cast
43- Read Nights in Rodanthe by Nicholas Sparks
44- Read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell
45- Read The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
46- Read the Wicked series
47- Read Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris
48- Read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne
49- Read The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
50- Watch Seven Pounds
51- Try a new restaurant in Alamance County
52- Watch Stardust
53- Try a new restaurant in Greensboro
54- Run three miles without stopping
55- ~~Bake a cake from scratch~~
56- Go on a picnic
57- Leave a server a 100% tip
58- Have a facial
59- Create a handmade card and send it (and not outsource the job to my kids)
60- Participate in a pool tournament
61- Finish a crossword puzzle
62- Go to a comedy club
63- Go to an art museum
64- Go to the North Carolina Aquarium
65- Explore the Greensboro Bog Gardens
66- Tour Biltmore House
67- Really decorate my classroom
68- Get a haircut different from the same thing I always have
69- Watch a sunrise (seeing the sun come up while I drive to work does not count)
70- Watch a sunset (same as before except it would be driving home)
71- Stay at a nice bed and breakfast
72- Have a Spa day
73- Buy a great outfit
74- Buy something I love but thought was too expensive
75- Go to Kings Dominion
76- ~~Eat brinner~~
77- ~~Make bread without my bread machine~~
78- Try a new drink
79- Get an ice cream cake
80- Make a new friend
81- Send an overseas friend real mail
82- Go to a flea market
83- Go yardsaling
84- Edit the videos that I have of the girls
85- Make a Red Velvet Cake from scratch
86- Take an unplanned trip
87- Buy a CD
88- Pay off my credit cards
89- Write a short story
90- Go to one game for every sport at my work
91- Go to the beach other than Virginia
92- Make Chocolate Creme Pie
93- Make S'mores
94- Start a water balloon fight
95- Send Grandma and Grandpa a card
96- Try something new at restaurants (Applebees, Chilis, Olive Garden)
97- Finish a knitting project
98- Make drapes for my house
99- Spend a weekend in a cabin in the mountians of a state other than North Carolina

I am counting on you guys to help keep me motivated to these. With 99 things to do, I need to do about 2 a week to have a shot and finishing. Check back because as I cross things off my list I will let you know what I marked off and why.

Stolen 2008 in review

2009-01-05T19:41:00.006-05:00

We rang in 2008 with mom and Widget visiting. As usual, the dogs slept through it and we went out for the last new year with our old friends at our old bar.

In February, Caitlyn made her first ever cake. It was a super delicious order cake that was very quickly devoured.

March was very uneventful, just full of work, school, thesis writing and more work. I am sure that I have pictures of all this somewhere, but not on this computer.

In April we bought our house and moved here. We really love the house but are still getting used to the whole idea that everything here is our responsibility. We have started some of the renovations that have to be done, but we arent done yet. Right now we are still working on fixing the things that need to be done to make the house more comfortably liveable before we delve into the things that we want to do. Wow, once again I dont have the pictures on here. I will add them when I figure out which computer all my pictures are one. We also got a new dog this month because Casey decided that I could finally have the little dog that I wanted, so we got Hamilton.

May started great with my graduation from grad school and the discovery of this little gal in our bathroom window. She left us with an egg sack which Casey thinks is cool but I think that I am just going to get down when I use one of those window washer spray things.

June brought a new dog to our house. Casey had wanted a larger dog and when we found Dallas, he was just perfect for us. He has had a few adjustment issues and has chewed up some things that we didnt want chewed up but all in all he is a great job.

The funniest thing that happened to us in July was when the girls decided that the dogs pool was more fun for them. We had filled it up to let the dogs splash around and it took a fight to keep the girls out of it for even the 20 minutes that we were able to do that. As soon as we told them that they could get in, they had a blast!

August rounded out the summer with some more fun. We went to Carowinds to bade the summer goodbye. Since it was the end of the summer and some schools were already back in session, the park was fairly empty and it made it where we could ride some things tons of times. The girls loved the log plume the most, but Casey and I didnt want to get wet like that anymore.

September brought lots of new things. The girl who helped with the cheerleading squad that the girls were on happened to be a varsity cheerleader for Eastern Guilford. This allowed the girls to great privelaged of marching in the homecoming parade and eventually cheering in the homecoming game with the varsity cheerleaders. Kirsten chose not to be in the parade, but still thought that it was one of the best things that she had done thus far.

October 31, 2008 is a date that none of us will ever forget. This is the day that Casey and I were married. Despite a few people trying to keep things from going the way that we wanted it to, it was a perfect day.

During the month of November I attempted to chronicle a week in my life but failed after like 3 days. We also had all the traditional family stuff around Thanksgiving.

December brought this great year to an end and we ended it with a bang. Well, actually a crack. We lost a 50+ year old tree in our backyard. We are starting our new year burning pieces of this tree in the backyard so that I will have some massively fertile soil for making the garden that I plan on planting this year.

2009 is going to be a great yet. We are going to continue the quest that a few people know we are on. I am going to keep working at this job that I absolutely love and Casey is going to keep going to school and working. My girls are still becoming amazing people right before my eyes. They teach me new ways to look at the world and they make me a better person every day. This year I want to continue to learn from my children, I want to continue to learn from my students and I want to continue to learn from the world around me. I want to grow the relationship with my husband and children and I want to continue to keep my relationship with my mom strong. I want to become better organized and I wnat to put time into exercising and making myself healthier. I want to strive to be the best teacher that I can be and continue my quest to inspire children all the time. I also want to make everything be more reasonable (those who matter know what I mean).

I challenge the people who are reading this to look at the things in their lives in a new way. Realize that there are always upsides to the things that are going on. Dont give up on your dreams. If I had given up, I would be an out of work office manager from a company that went under. I would probably be unhappy in a relationship. I wouldnt have my degree, my great job, my husband, my house, my dogs or my sanity.

2009-01-01T10:31:00.004-05:00

Yesterday while I was making roasted potatoes from the pioneer woman website and i heard a HUGE crack outside. I didnt think anything of it because since we live on a highway sometimes things just make noises and honestly it could have been a car backfiring or a gunshot (since I still cant tell the two apart). About 15 minutes later I went outside to take the dogs out and there it was...our tree was no longer standing in the backyard. Immediately I called Casey because I was freaking out. He was able to calm me down enough to go look and see that it didnt hit anything and that all we have is this giant tree to cut up and get rid of in the backyard.

Insulation

2008-12-29T20:18:00.004-05:00

Our power bill came in...more than double what it was last month. So immediately we started thinking of the things that we could do to lower the cost of our power. I called Duke Power hoping that they did free energy audits in our area like they do in some areas of the country. Of course they didnt.

While I was on the phone with the lady from Duke Power, she discovered that we were being charged the wrong rate for electricity. They have two rates, one for people who use just electricity and one for people who use electricity and gas. We only have electricity and we were being charged the electricity and gas rate which is the more expensive one. I am being sent a form to fill out so that they can come out and verify that we only have electricity and then we will retroact some of the charges. I think I might even be able to talk them into retroacting all of them because the people who switched off the oil furnace should have called.

Also, she had me turning things on and off and watching how it affected meter so that we could determine some things that might be eating away at our power. We have discovered that we need to have the furnace looked at because it is working way too hard for the work that it is doing. We also got some insulation to wrap around the water heater and we are working on getting the stuff that goes on the pipes so that the hot water in them stays hot longer. We are still investigating some things that might be eating power and any suggestions that you have will greatly be appreciated.

For a wedding present, mom bought us fireplace doors and they will be here in about 2 weeks so that will also help with the whole electricity thing. That will also help with the whole "need to clean the chimney" thing so that we can then take care of the "want to burn a fire" thing. In the meantime we have turned the theromstats down about 2 degrees on every setting and have turned the ceiling fans to the winter setting. We are also closing the vents in the rooms that we dont use regularly and closing the doors when we are not in there. So now, we cross our fingers that the power bill comes back down....

Recap of the missing month

2008-12-10T21:21:00.005-05:00

So I dont post like I should or even like I want to. I dont know where to start so there will be a few little blurbs so that hopefully from now on I can keep up with myself.

Casey convinced me that a fake prelight tree is really the better thing to have. In doing this, he also gave me permission to decorate for Christmas. I have done my part of the decorating except for one thing that I need to get home while the sun is out to do. He still is responsible for hanging the lights from the gutters and that is not done yet.

Casey and I went to see Twilight on opening night. After the movie, we went and bought the first of the books and by the end of the weekend I had to get the next one. The 4th book is currently on order and I hope it gets here soon.

I decided that other than one scary scene, it was an appropriate movie for the girls so I took them to see it last Friday and they loved it. Caitlyn said that there was one scary scene but she just wanted me to tell her what was going to happen before it happened and she was ok. Kirsten immediately wanted to see the second movie (which I had to tell her isnt made quite yet).

Hamilton is still recovering from his surgery, but he is super bouncy and I dont know who we ever kept him locked up for the 4 weeks that we did.

I still love my job, but currently am disappointed in my students. When I had to take a day off of work a few things were taken from me and have yet to be returned. I have accepted that these things will probably never be returned to me and I hate it because it only hurts the students.

Mom and Widget will be here in just over 9 days.

I am done (DONE) Christmas shopping. Not a single other thing to buy. I do have to wrap the girls pajamas and then some Santa things but then I will be done wrapping too. I even got the things for my secret santa at work before I knew who it was just because it was employee appreciation days at work.

I have been cooking this week. Real cooking, not stuff out of a box. Nachos on Sunday, Chicken pizza Monday, Sloppy sandwiches Tuesday and Meatball subs today. I would be more than happy to share the recipes that I have for these which I actually had time to make when I am working about 10 hours a day.

Kirsten is brilliant as always and scoring off the charts on her tests and her grades in class. Caitlyn has shown that she was really just a sleeper. I spent some time thinking that she would be more on the average end of things but now her grades are right at the top of everything as well.

I am still scared of what higher grades bring for them and making sure somehow that they know how to look for the help that they will need. I dont want the circumstances that they are in preventing them from acheiving everything that they are capable of.

I think that is it for about now. I know that there are a ton of things that I am forgetting but such is a busy life.

A week in the life Monday

2008-11-18T18:16:00.004-05:00

5:30 The alarm goes off and I fight it until I get up

6:00 I get up and Casey continues to sleep. Take the puppy outside and give him some "out" time where there arent other dogs to make him hyper.

7:15 Leave for work

The rest of the day was full of teaching and preparing to launch a new project. Then launching the new project.

4:00 Begin organizing my room and killing time until it is time for the meeting. This did include a discussion with a student about their tardies and the detention that they were assigned due to the unexcused ones.

6:00 AP meeting where there were only like 8 parents who didn't really need the meeting that we had planned. At the meeting we discuss what AP is and how the kids can get the most out of it. At the end really we had some parents wondering if the route that their kids had chosen was really the best to get them in the best schools. The kids who are more concerned about their futures than which rule they are going to try to break next are the reason that I chose teaching.

7:30 Super excited because I found gas for $1.89 a gallon! Filled up the super expensive car for less than we ever thought possible.

8:30 Start supper. Sloppy joes for me and then the leftovers for Casey.

9:30 Do the puppy's therapy, give the puppy his medicine and start getting everything ready for bed.

10:00 Change the sheets because the puppy peed on them when I let him sleep up there.

10:15 Fall asleep watching TV (how bad is it that I dont even know the TV show I was watching).

So my weekdays are kinda boring due to work, but they are still jam packed. There are no pictures to go wtih today because I didnt take the ones that I meant to take at school. I keep telling myself that I am going to get better at taking random pictures of things because eventually I will get some that I really like and this week in the life is my rason for starting.

A day in the life Sunday

2008-11-16T22:18:00.003-05:00

I was inspired by Megan and her "Day in the life" series that I seriously haven't been able to get enough of...so here goes

8:30 Caitlyn wakes up. This starts Hamilton whinning because hes in his crate from the surgery and starts Brutus and Dallas pacing around our hardwod floors in the bedroom. So then, I wake up and take Hamilton out to potty.

8:32 Caitlyn falls back asleep on the couch, wakes up again shortly thereafter and starts asking for breakfast. This is followed by her falling asleep on the couch yet again (she REALLY didn't get enough sleep this week).

9:00 Casey's alarm starts going off and for 30 minutes he continues to hit snooze and when he finally gets up he asks me why I let him sleep.

In the meantime Kirsten wakes up and resumes working on this HUGE project that she has due at school in a week. Breakfast for us was going to be cinnamon rolls, but due to the fact that I threw out the cake pans and have yet to get new ones. So we had pancakes.

10:25 Casey left for work (he was supposed to be there at 10:30).

The rest of the morning Kirsten worked on her project for AL, Caitlyn searched online for laptops she can afford (she is on this kick that she needs a laptop). I cleaned the kitchen, took a shower, folded some laundry and thought about working on stuff for work.

1:00 Lunch. Grilled cheeses for everyone, tomato soup and gold fish for the girls and noodle soup for me.

After lunch, I washed dishes, began working on stuff for school, reminded the girls of the things that they needed to be doing, argued with Caitlyn about how far away Atlantic Beach is from here, did some more laundry and told Casey the days that he needs to take off of work. Kirsten pretended to work on her homework while she was really distracted by Caitlyn. Caitlyn bounced off the walls, disturbing Kirsten because she felt the need to do the majority of it in the same room that Kirsten was working in. The girls who are grounded from TV resort to games, one of them being twister.

5:00 Attempted to start supper only to discover all of the things that the girls have not done yet today. Send girls to get their showers.

5:15 Begin doing all the things that the girls have missed.

6:15 Tell the girls that supper is going to be sandwiches to which Caitlyn begins making hers while Kirsten works more on her project.

7:15 Girls go to their dads and I begin my supper with leftovers for Casey.

7:30 I start doing the work that I was supposed to be doing earlier and never REALLY did (I did do things I needed for work, but not the things that I wanted to get done)

9:45 Casey gets home and I finally email off the stuff I have been working on.

10:00 Start getting plans for tomorrow done so that I can still teach the way that I want to when class starts.

12:00 Bedtime whether I am done or not.

I am not that good at getting myself into pictures, and the ones that I did get were taken with Kirsten telling me after every picture not to take her pictures. Casey still has no clue that I took the picture that I have of him and Caitlyn wanted to pose for pictures all day long whether I had the time to take them or not.

Online Wedding Scrapbook

2008-11-16T15:01:00.002-05:00

2008-11-12T21:44:00.003-05:00

So, we went out to eat on Veterans Day and as soon as I pulled the camera out, Caitlyn decided to lay her head on the table to "pose" for a picture. In true Caitlyn fashion, as soon as I snap the picture she closes her eyes and looks like she is completely asleep.

Kirsten was another story about the whole picture thing. To get this picture I had to have the camera on the table in front of me and I didnt tell her that I did anything with it other than get it out of my purse. As soon as I snapped the picture, she got mad that I was taking pictures. This led to her saying something mean to her sister which in turn lead to Caitlyn climbing in my lap and refusing to move until well after the food was there. And that was the end of pictures.

Puppy Therapy and Insurance

2008-11-10T20:42:00.003-05:00

Hamilton came home today. His surgery went great and keeping him inactive is about the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Right now he stays in Brutus crate to limit his activity. I will have to bang into my husbands head that the puppy MUST be restricted. If we dont restrict him correctly, we run the risk of having to do this surgery on the other knee very soon. Dogs compinsate for not having use of one leg by overusing the other one.

Every day there is a barrage of medical treatments that we have to do for him. We put a warm compress on his stitches two times a day for about 10 minutes. Then after the compress we have to do physical therapy on his leg to help him remember how to walk with it. There is pain medicine twice a day, a glucosamine supplement every day for the rest of his life, antibiotics twice a day, ointment for his stitches twice a day, some yellow stuff for his stitches twice a day and then vitamins in his food every day.

I never thought that I could put so much work into one dog. In 4-6 months he will be completely healed and then he should be back to his normal bouncy self. If my class wasnt so behind, I would probably take a sick day to take care of him on Friday when Casey is at work all day. I have already put alot of work into attempting to teach my kids everything else they need to know before the EOC and cant bear to take more time off.

Tomorrow I am going to get up and finish the cleaning that I have been trying to do since Sunday. I also hope that the girls will come over to the house for a little while so that I can spend some extra time with them. Kirsten is thinking she left her glasses here and that would give her a chance to look also. Tomorrow I also plan to call and get a few things straight with the insurane company. The forms they send home are all written in that insurance-ese and I cant understand much of it so I am going to call them and have them explain to me what they really cover and what is considered excluded.

The failures of corporate America

2008-11-08T19:51:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I was faced with a decision made against me that made me feel like "the children are running the nursery." A few students complained to our corporate office saying that I dont care about my students. Now the normal thing would be that corporate would investigate this to see what was really going on. Our corporate office decided that they would get another teacher to finish out the class that I was teaching. I am not the only teacher involved in this and even the dean of my campus is beyond upset about it. Another teacher was given the same decision earlier this week and the same group of students is trying to get one of the department chairs to no longer be teaching his class also.

In the decision the dean said that he wanted to bring me back to teaching after this group of students has a chance to graduate. This would be in March and at first I was very happy about this because I know that it is just the group of students. The more that I think about it, the less I want to go back to teaching there in March. I almost think that if I were to go back to teaching then the corporate office would be looking for a reason to do the same thing again. I dont know if I want to work for a company that treats its employees like this.

I looked forward to teaching this class every week because I was finally teaching the students who care. I liked teaching students who want to be where they are. I liked the students who wanted to learn the things that I was teaching. I felt bad for the students because of the way that the curriculum was written. I felt horrible because for the nonmathematically inclined, this was a course almost setup for failure. One entire math book supposedly learned in 10 weeks. I felt bad for the students who were supposed to find time in their busy lives to learn things that I was not given time to teach them in class.

After writing this, it was not the company that I liked...it was the students. I believe that I am going to look for a similar position with a company that seems to care about its employees.

Married Life

2008-11-02T13:07:00.004-05:00

As of now, I have been married for about 48 hours. In those 48 hours alot has gone on.

When we finished the ceremony, we left and went to get some lunch. Lunch that day was Applebees per request of the girls. After that we went and switched out Kirsten's shoes for ones that really fit her. Then we went home and iced the cake.

Then we left to get to the resteraunt and meet family. While we were there, we had to link arms and dance like we were one chicken. Each of us using one wing.

After the resteraunt, we met up with some of our friends at Breaktime and had fun before going to the hotel room for the night.

The next morning, we picked the girls up and went to get the dogs from the vet. This is when we discovered that one of the dogs was behind on their vaccines and then another one had tapeworms. So a sizeable chunk of cash later, we left the vet. The dogs were so happy to see us and had so much energy that we decided to take them to the dog park. I only wish I had my video camera there, Dallas is hilarious when he runs. He starts out running and just when you think he is going top speed, he will duck his head and take off.

Then we came home and kinda cleaned part of the house, but really just did nothing for a while. After being home for a while the girls let me get everything ready and we went to O'Charley's for lunch. Kirsten finally learned some things about football since college football was on while we were there and she wouldn't let us leave until she knew who won the Michigan State vs Wisconsin game. Later that night we had a family WII bowling tournament which I won.

Today was supposed to be a nice calm day until i decided to take a shower. Kirsten was playing with Hamilton and somehow had him on the back of the couch. He decided that he didnt want to be up there anymore and jumped down. When he did that, he hurt his back leg. Now per the reccomendation of the vet, we are putting ice on his leg and have given him a baby aspirin. We were going to board him tonight at a place in Graham, but the vet is doing us a favor and having one of the ladies come to his office at 4 so that all the dogs can board there tonight instead. Then in the morning he is going to look at Hamilton and make sure that everything is ok.

He is letting us touch the leg and letting us move it so the vet doesn't think its broken. He said that there may be a hairline fracture and that he has a higher tolerance to pain or that he may have jammed it or something else. I think when we take him to the vet we are going to ask them not to give him pain medicine so that when he gets to look at him tomorrow he will be able to see how it really feels. He isnt whimpering when we touch his leg, but he wont put any weight on it yet. I want to be able to see if he will put weight on it over time.

So now we get to stay home and rest so that we can ice Hamilton's leg. Kirsten spent a couple of hours on the verge of tears because she thought it was all her fault, but I think we are over that now.

So that has been our weekend...I love married life!

Uncomfortably Numb

2008-10-23T18:29:00.004-04:00

I don't know quite what i want to say. I feel like I sit here and am just a blur.

Michael's wife gave birth to their baby on Sunday and that was a story all in itself. When he called on Sunday to say that they were keeping her, I figured that he would also ask me to keep them that night since he was going to be in the hospital with his wife who was in labor. Instead he forced me to send the girls with his sister so that they could "come to the hospital in the middle of the night when the baby is born." As it turns out, the baby was born via c-section about 1030 that night and he didn't have the girls come up there at the time.

About midnight that night he calls me and asks me to keep the girls for a while since they are in the hospital. This has tons of questions going in the back of my head about why didn't he just let them stay in the first place. But without a second thought, I rearranged anything I had that week so that the girls could stay with us and we could be sure to get them to everything they had to go to. Then on Wednesday, with barely any warning he calls and says that since they are getting out of the hospital that he is going to be picking the girls up.

Now my life has gone lower than it was before. I am sitting in a empty house while my children and the people who took them away from me enjoy their new baby. There are so many thoughts going through my head, but unfair is the first one that comes to mine.

Then at the same time, I shouldn't be mad and I shouldn't be upset. I HAVE my kids. No matter all the things that I cant stand in my life, I HAVE two great kids. It is such a struggle of feelings because with a friend of mine losing her baby recently it seems like it isn't fair for me to be upset because my life is still better than what she is going through right now. I don't know how to at least erase the guilt of feeling upset about this whole thing.

This is where the pictures of the kids come from. It does make me less upset to see the pictures of the happy times that I have with them. To see the things that we did together that make them so happy because that means that he hasn't poisoned them to this extent.

Weeklong Update

2008-10-04T19:51:00.004-04:00

I havent updated like i should the last week or so. With that said I am going to give a quick run down of the things that have happened.

After the parade the week was fairly uneventful until Friday. Whatever new storm system came through, they cancled all the festivities for Eastern and Dudley's homecoming games. So, Monday rolled around and the homecoming games happened. We thought that the girls were only going to get to perform a cheer or two at halftime but as soon as we got there we found out different. As soon as we got there we were told that the Jackets team was getting ready to go on in the field. It turned out that they spent most of the first half cheering intermixed with the varsity squad. I have some great videos of it and as soon as i get those and the pictures off of their various devices they will be posted.

Sunday I was at home and Casey came in the door at like 2pm. He was supposed to be at work until closer to 10pm. Almost first thing that morning, Casey cut his finger pretty badly and had gone to an acute care clinic and then back to work to drop off a note before he got home. I wasnt too happy that this was the first thing that I heard about the cut and reminded him that he should call me when things like that happen because I need to know about them. When he got changed, we took a huge load of things to goodwill.

The goodwill trip quickly changed into a shopping trip. The new mattress that we bought months ago needed a center support so that it wouldnt start sagging, so we went to the furniture store that we bought it from to get one. While we were there, I wanted to look at kitchen tables because the dogs chewed up the legs on the chairs that we have and the table was really too country and I wanted to replace it. About 4 hours later I picked out a table that I liked and had scheduled a time to get it delivered.

Monday and Tuesday I was out of school sick and I basically suffered through the football game on Monday because thats just a once in a lifetime thing. Then Wednesday I went back to school and as expected, the day went pretty well after some kids giving me a slightly hard time about being out a few days. That night I had several students stay for tutoring so I was at the school later than normal. After I got home, Casey was mowing the yard when suddenly he was in severe pain.

About 2 hours later, we left to go to the emergency room since the pain was not subsiding at all. We got to the ER about 9pm. Then 9 hours later and after a CT scan to confirm that it was a kidney stone we left the ER. Of course, being an ER, there was no where for me to sleep so before I left I got a subsitute for Thursday again.

Friday I went back to school to rumors from the students that I was pregnant with the time that I had missed. Friday was also the math department cookout and the day that the kitchen table was delivered. So, after school I dropped the hamburger buns off with Teasley and went to ITT to teach my class. This class is getting interesting because we cant seem to get done with the review time in less than an hour and Friday I was observed in there. But when class was over, I left to go to the cookout. The food was so good and I was glad that i found time to get out there that day.

Saturday was the fall festival for the girls' school. The girls had a blast there. Kirsten won two cakes in the cake walk and one fish in another game. Caitlyn won two fish and also climbed to the top of the rock wall and I have pictures from that as soon as i get them off of my phone. On the other hand, I voluntered to work two shifts at the festival which didnt go that well. When I got to the festival I was supposed to be the first person at the balloon bust. There was someone there setting it up, but then as soon as I got there, they left and forgot to give me any directions on what was going on. So my first "customer" showed up and I had no clue what to do. Thank goodness someone walked by and was able to tell me everything I needed to know. The other game that I was supposed to work at wasnt really a game, but was the pont rides. As soon as i got there I was asked to stop the line so that the ponies could take a break. Shortly there after, we got through the line that was still there and the ponies went on a 30 minute break so the lady that was working there before me and I both decided that since we had been working all day it was time to run while we could.

After leaving the fall festival we went to look at this riding lawnmower that I had seen on the side of the road for sale on Thursday. Our luck was that it was still there and even more was what great shape it was in. The guy was practically giving it away and was even willing to deliver it to the house, so tomorrow Casey will have a "new" riding lawnmower to help with mowing the yard.

Parade

2008-09-22T17:27:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, we had the Eastern Guilford High School homecoming parade and the girls had been invited to march in it with the varsity cheerleaders from Eastern. Caitlyn was more than excited about getting to be a cheerleader in a parade.

She loved getting to had out candy to everyone along the parade route.

Then today, back to school. It is amazing to see how far I have come this year. The things that I didn't even notice before are the problems that I am trying to deal with now. The kids see the laid back me and they don't see the stressed out me. I said when i started this job that surviving the first month would be the key. Little did I know at the time how accurate that statement was.

Tomorrow is a half day of school and we are going to be reviewing in my Algebra I class. Guilford county has what we call benchmarks which are basically mini EOC tests so that we can see what the students understand and what they still don't get. I have spent about two days making this great jeopardy game for the smart board and I cant wait to see it working in class. Today I think I finally got the shock in my Algebra class that will change the way that everything is in there. We introduced compound inequalities and this is pretty close to the first thing that I don't think anyone in the class really understands. I hope that them seeing that they don't understand everything will finally get some of them to listen more in class.

I really need to get my house clean. Every week I think that this weekend is going to be the weekend that i get everything caught up and then every weekend there are other things that need to get done just as badly as cleaning the house. The tall dresser is finally gone, the lady came to pick it up Sunday. Hopefully the other dresser will be gone later this week since the lady said that she could come pick it up Tuesday or Thursday. This is one of the last steps for me to get more of the house ready the way I want it. There are still so many things that need to be done here. I have one wall of the living room painted close to how we want it, but still not perfect, Kirsten is in the guest bedroom but I don't have a clue how she wants to decorate it and we are still at the point where the only Caitlyn's room is close to being right.

Ok well, one more parade picture before I try to get everything done for school tomorrow. It is amazing how much more work has to go into a half day of school just because the kids know its a half day and they are antsy to get out early.

Carowinds, Spiders and the like

2008-09-21T11:37:00.007-04:00

So way back when Hurricane Hannah decided to parade across NC, we had tickets to Carowinds but of course werent able to go to enjoy the fun. This meant that we still had tickets and had to find time to use them. This weekend the girls, Casey and I loaded in the car and went to Carowinds. It was amazing! The crowds were very light and we got to ride everything we wanted to ride and then some in just 6 hours. I think that the longest that we waited in a line was around 20 minutes and most rides had NO line. We decided that next year when we go back we are going to make sure that we go this late in the season.
The only disappointment of Carowinds at all was that there were about 4 rides that Caitlyn was still too short for. It helped that 3 of them Kirsten didnt want to ride either, but it is so hard to tell my daredevil that she cant ride the things she wants to. The girls did ride a few things that mommy and Casey didnt want to ride, one of them there is no question why we didnt want to ride.

The other one was because we wanted to let them try it on their own. It was these really cool planes that you could steer up high in the sky, down lower and then right back up even higher than before. We didnt go and give them any instruction on how to "fly" the planes before they got on so they each had a different thought on how to fly them. Kirsten wanted to just to hold it in the up high direction. Caitlyn realized that you have to do something with the sail, but she was pumping her sail back and forth so fast that it didnt really help.

One day earlier this week when I got home from work, I found a visitor sitting in the bathroom windown on the OUTSIDE. I took his picture and i think he is really pretty, but you better believe that if he was on the inside, he would have been under a cup or something else until Casey got home.

Today is the Eastern Guilford High School homecoming parade and the girls have been invited to march in the parade with Eastern Guilford's varsity cheerleading squad. At first we thought we werent going to be able to go to it because we were going to stay in Charlotte to go to a second day at Carowinds so that we could ride everything. Since we got to ride it all yesterday, we made sure to come back last night and go to the parade today. I will have pictures from that later today, at least pictures of Caitlyn because Kirsten said she doesnt want to go to the parade.

At a loss

2008-09-18T20:15:00.003-04:00

I just want to lay down and cry. If I take time for me then things aren't ready for school and if I get things ready for school then there is no time for me. Here is it 815 at night and I have been home about 30 minutes. I didn't get anything really ready for tomorrow at school or tomorrow night teaching at ITT. I got other things that I have to do for the school ready, but that doesn't really do anything so that my students have things to work on. Now I'm exhausted AND not ready for the day. I really just want tomorrow to be over so that I can get more ready for next week on Sunday. It seems like every time i get things caught up, someone piles more things on that I need to be doing.

Unpreparedness

2008-09-15T18:43:00.003-04:00

Today, oh so unprepared should have been my motto. I gave a test in my Tech math class and it was one that I put together this morning. I feel lucky that I was able to get enough questions on the test generator to be able to put a test together for them. Then after the test we were going to learn about bar graphs and histograms. I had the foldable made and I had the supplies out and right then, the principal and two of the assistant principals walk in the room. These are the days that I feel like I should have practiced my teaching in front of the mirror and with a tape recorder. I am never this great person for speaking in front of groups and it has been interesting to get over that so that I can help teach my kids. But at least when they are in the room the class does things that they know they are supposed to. Since the test took the first 50 minutes and the crowd was in the back for the next 10 minutes today went great. It takes about 30 minutes for them to get all wound up.

My planning period was almost the most useless time that I had today. While it was great that I got to make some phone calls to parents. Again, I had this glorified vision of what the phone calls were going to go like. One of the assistant principals talked to me at the end of last week about having a get together with several of the parents of the more interesting kids. We talked again this morning and decided that we would do this on Friday. So I started making the phone calls. Most of the parents that I want to invite were parents that I have called before but never gotten an answer or a return phone call. Wouldnt you know, this time almost every parent that I wanted to call answers their phone and we get a chance to talk about the problems that have been going on. So of course being a slight pushover I cant bring myself to tell them that we are having a metting with the assistant principal on Friday and I want to give them the chance to handle their children themselves. So now I have about 4 parents that I have left a message with about the meeting and the rest have assured me that things will be different. At least as far as this goes I know that it is just Monday and if things dont change I can call them back later in the week. So the planning period that was supposed to get this whole meeting together didnt accomplish much of anything except finally talking to parents. Just keep in mind that talking to parents rarely has the effect that I want it to have and usually just adds time between now and when I can do something about the problems that I am having.

Then finally I think that 4th block is going to be easier. We are going to work on applying SOLVE to the algebraic expressions that we have been working on and then spend the rest of the day reviewing for the test. But wouldnt you know, just as we were getting started, in walked the math coach. This is a lady who I know is only in the school to help me. Her sole purpose in the school is to help better the mathematics instruction that the students are getting. But, being the perfectionist that I am anytime someone walks in my classroom and things arent going the way that they should I feel like they are going to say bad things on my observations. Add to that the tragedies of the weekend and suddenly I felt like nothing I was doing was right. I realized the feeling that my students get when I start writing something that they cannot see. I felt like everything she was doing on her paper was talking about the things I should have been doing. Ok so hopefully tomorrow will be better for me.

Sunday Procrastination

2008-09-14T10:42:00.001-04:00

Weekends are not nearly long enough. All the things that I am supposed to get done on the weekend barely leave enough time to eat, forget the idea of doing much of anything fun. There is cleaning and planning and spending time with the girls and playing with the dogs and somewhere in there there has to be time for Casey.

So here I am, almost 11am on Sunday and I have effectively cleaned about half of the house. I still have the rooms that I dread left. The bathrooms which really shouldn't be that bad this time around. The kitchen where I have been piling everything that wasn't in the right spot on the table so that I can put it away when the rooms are better organized. The den. Oh the den and the fact that we are trying to paint the walls. So in the den all the stuff is moved away from the walls and that makes it that much harder to clean everything the way its supposed to be. It is days like today that I miss being in school. There was always extra time when I was in school for projects like painting the den. I had no problem finding time that I wasnt supposed to be doing 8 other things.

I asked Casey about the yardsale we were wanting to have yesterday . I reminded him that neither one of us really seemed to have time to pull something like that togehter, much less have the time to actually do it. It would involve getting tables and such, pricing everything (which isnt that much to start with) and then getting up at like 5am on my day off so that we are ready when people start pounding on the door. I am sure that some of this is from he fact that my mother never wanted to do a yard sale when I was growing up. I will be loading most of the stuff in the back of Casey's car later this afternoon and taking all the stuff to goodwill. The things that I cant load in there because they are too big or too heavy I am still working on an idea for.

When we lived in Winston, there was a group called Winston Salem Resuce Mission. They were great because I could schedule a time and they would come and pickup all the big stuff that I cant list. I am sure that there is a program like that out here, but with not having lived in this area in about 8 years I dont know what it is called.

In the meantime I do have a program that I use called freecycle. Overall its a great thing. The program is a yahoo group and lets me post things that I want to get rid of. Then the other people in the group read what I have posted and decide if they want it. Then all they do is email me back and I get to decide who gets it.

But still, here it is now past 11am on Sunday and how ready am I for classes tomorrow? Not so much. I haven't written a single flip chart and I dont have either of the tests that I am going to give done. I have lesson plans written, but only because they are required to be turned in on Thursdays. When they first told me about that requirement, I was not very happy because I am not a planner by nature. Now, I know that having an entire week's worth of lesson plans is the only reason that I can really get everything done before I get in front of my kids.

So there is a plan for the rest of the day. I am going to clean a room and then write a day's lesson plans. Assuming that I keep to this pace, I should have the whole week's worth of plans done and the house clean before bedtime. So with that said I leave you with just a picture.

Week Three of school

2008-09-13T18:10:00.001-04:00

Well, this was the first full week of school and I survived. Friday was interesting to say the least. You could tell just by watching the kids that it was Friday because of how riled up they all were. It made me very happy to have taken my new low stress approach to teaching these students.

First block are still angels, but second block has their moments. One day they are great and everything that I had planned goes exactly how it should. Then the next day things are totally diferent, almost like I have a different group of kids in there. Ive spent three weeks trying to figure out the things that cause these this drastic change and I have yet to pin it down to one thing. I know that there have been exactly the same group of students there on good days and bad days. I know that I have been super prepared on good days and bad days. I know that I have been very unprepared on bad days and good days. I know that we have sat there and taken notes all day and had good and bad days. And I know that we have done activities on bad days and good days. I am sure that one of these days I will be able to pin down what changes between the good days and the bad.

This year is still a learning exerience, especially in fourth block. I will plan an activity for my kids and see very quickly that no matter how much better I think I planned it this time compared to the last time, it is still not going to go like I think it should. The downside to this is that it will be next semester before I get to try to fix the issues because alot of these activities are unique to the thing that we are learning. I am sure that after I teach a class enough I will know exactly how to make the activities work for different groups of kids. I am also sure that as soon as I have it all figured out the next group of kids will throw me a curve ball and nothing in my arsenal will work for them.

The teachers that I work with have gone a long ways past where I thought things were. My first three days at this school were spent in meetings and that made it very hard to get to know people in my department. Because of this, when school started it seemed like most of them were very distant and unapproachable. I have learned that this was simply because they were trying to get things ready for their kids at the same time that I was trying to get ready for mine. People have become very helpful and a couple of these teachers are the reason that at the end of the day I can still smile.

I know that I am still behind on the things that I need to get done. This really catches up with you when progress reports come around. I have to send them out next week and still have to enter every single assignment and grade in my gradebook so that I can print them for the students. The school was late getting us our grade disks so they have given us a couple of extra days to get everything ready, but when you are already as behind as I feel I am that is just an extra couple of days to do other things that need to be done before you really want to enter grades.